To whom it may concern…

Dear Person at the Power Company,

I’ve wanted to write you for a while now, but I couldn’t. Its not that words fail me or nothing, words are my friends. It’s not even that, whilst trying to contemplate just how you manage to wake up and **** up the day for the rest of us, my brain shuts down thinking I’m overworking it. Yes Dude at Power Company, your malice is beyond compare, you are our token grinch.

The States have Bush, The Middle East has Osama and we have you. It’s not really a fair deal, but I suppose we don’t always get what we ask for, do we?

I wanted to put up a lolcat type thing with you up a pole with the words, “You had electricity, but I has taken it”, but I can’t find any images on the World Wide Web. I suppose you are adept at covering your tracks.

The other day you asked some guys at Steadman (some company of as much significance as the state of Britney Spears at the VMA’s) to call me and ask me what I thought of your service delivery or lack of it thereof. I have made it no secret dude, I hate your guts. I can’t believe that we have to deal with corrupt officials, diseases, floods, maggots in our fruit and now, you! Its overkill!

This dude asks me to rate your services on a scale of one to ten? Come on man, now you’re just being greedy. TEN?! So anyway, I forgot to tell him that your constant directing of symphonies using the lights in our area is solely responsible for killing my PC. Curiously after I scored you at about 12 out of 100, the person was still cheerful enough to ask what I loved about you.

Uh, your nerve? The fact that you remain steadfast in your resolve to piss me off, year after year and then after you think you have not quite sent the point home, you call me up to ask how I’m doing.

And then… after you were done with that, you had someone else call me, a lady this time. I am not that easily swayed. I did not melt. What did you think? That my answers this time round would be fuelled by testosterone? Nice try…

What I don’t get is how you manage to recruit minions. How the **** indeed! What alarms me is that they seemingly walk to their deaths with glee. Is it possible that we have a pool of suicidal people that want money no matter what? How the heck do you do it? Do you promise them 70 virgins the way terrorist masterminds do?

Do they believe you? I mean come one dude, in this current situation where everyone is advising young people to say NO to old people that are soliciting sex, how the heck do you expect to lure the virgins to you? Promise of a toaster? Tweezers? What do you have up your sinister sleeve?

I called your customer service line the other day and the organism that answered droned on and on about how they were fixing “The Fault” and that’s why I did not have electricity for oh-twenty something hours. THE FAULT? Did you actually tell us about said fault at any one point? Why is this guy under the impression that I know these things?

I know it’s not on your increasingly helpful website. The only thing of relative significance there is the load-shedding schedule for the month. Don’t you feel shy putting it up? I mean, really. How am I going to see it if I have no electricity?

“Hey look, it says here that we are going to be plunged into hours of darkness starting…oh shit! NOW!”

*POOF*

Does it not scare you that one of these days you will slip and we will know who you are? And when we do, does it not frighten you that we shall treat you to our own brand of BLACKOUT?!

Dear Beyonce Knowles Zee

Its been a while. In fact, its been ages. Some have pointed to the possibility that my beef with you is because you ended up with Gay Z and not me. That’s not true, I applaud your choice in collaborative partnerships. Others have suggested that I am hating on you because you are bootylicious and I am not. I have ha-ha-d those ones.

The simple fact is, me for me, I think they over gave you props. I liked Kelly better. Even when you tried to tell me mbu work it out, my eyes there for Kelly. Then you did the song bootylicious and I found myself listening. Taking note even. I didn’t like that. I was trying to get you out of my system and then you pulled that move on me. That wasn’t fair.

I won’t even go into the fact that you went and introduced a new word into the English Language. I am cool with that. Granted its not cool that your silly word made it into Oxford’s Big-ass dictionary and our “blogren” only features amongst us. I mean what the hell? Mbu you have money? For us we be here chillin’ with our communist ways, you you go and pay for them to put a word in the dictionary. How did Taata Beyonce take it? Me I know there are no those ones of Win School Fees in your Coca Cola side of life. A guy has to pay through his teeth to get an education for his own individual self and his ka-independent woman of a daughter. Then you go and repay him how, by coming up with some new word. ****! You’re not even funny.

But I let that go because you stopped saying those things in public. Atti, this is why I’m bootylicious ,mbu this is why you are not. Nuh’mean…Cummon, who the hell do you think you are? Have you seen Jessica Alba … as Susan Storm? Chic was invisible but she still got me thinking! Have you seen Angelina Jolie? Bambi, Poor chic is aging. .. But anyway, I was easy…

Then after that you went and did soldier with L’il Wayne, who in my opinion looks like he is trying to deal with constipation. Couldn’t you hire someone to pose as a rapper? Like Britney’s ex or Bobby Brown? You be there mbu hiring L’il Wayne.

Naye, As luck had it, at that time I went and fell HARD for Rihanna. That chic was Pon de replay of my emotions. She told me mbu I don’t mind dem haters, us for us We ride. And she was not a selfish girl, nga doesn’t she ask me, if its loving that I want, oba the music of the sun. But probably because of your influence, the ka poor Good girl’s gone bada, but still, she did Umbrella, N’ella… ella…eh eh, Omwana oli…she could sing Overcoat and I’d still Bring it back…

Now you try to introduce a new word, simanyi Freakum Dress…What the ****!!

Dear Guy That Does The Budget Reading Thing

First off, do you have an Official Title? See, I want to type and all that, but it gets a little monotonous if I have to keep calling you Guy That Does The Budget Reading Thing. I’ll just call you “Dude”. Don’t get used to it though.

So anyway, what the hell is your problem? Keeping that silly airtime tax in there. Your predecessor threw it in there as some sick joke, and we have since given up hope on a sensible punch line. It’s just not funny.

The rationale at the time, assuming we can call it that, was that people seem to have fun “talking on their phones” hence he figured he “just had to tax that”. Are you kidding me?

Because of that s*** my thumb seems to have become a permanent fixture on the End Call Button. The one time I made a call with no qualms was…its so far back I can’t recall. And even then, I think I did it because I got high…

If you’re going to tax people, tax Roadside Preachers. They seem to be having the time of their lives. Seriously, I haven’t seen such dedication anywhere. Just the other day, the other hot sunny day, I saw one shouting away like there was no tomorrow. Which might have actually been the premise of his shouting…and sweating. Profusely… Like someone forgot to turn off the tap… I guess the leather jacket didn’t help….

Tax local artistes with bad songs. Nay, with bad music videos. Some of the stuff that is shown on our screens is so bad I want to pull my eyes out and then insert them in my palm and go out hanging and say Hi 5! Its nasty, I am sure if you asked them, they’d say something like, “But I need the money”… I don’t care. Dude, these artistes should come to you and show you their videos. If they make you gag, even a little, they should be taxed heavily before screening…and the artiste should be thrown into a cell some where.

Tax the dude that flips the switch at the power company. He is so adept at it, I’m certain he has a blast whilst doing it. Probably smirks and goes like, I has made takeoff, I has made comeback! The nature of his activities lead me to suspect that he doesn’t have time to pursue other interests… or work on his grammar.

See, I’ve been thinking, your job is quite thankless. I mean, how does it play out. Do you pull straws? Did you get the short straw? Were you like, er, Excuse me Mr. President. Only to have him say, sorry sucker. Ich Bin invite to Deutschland, ja!! I can’t see why on earth anyone in their right mind would deliver such bad news. Its at par with telling your headmaster he just stepped in dog s**t…. well no, not quite, but you see where I’m going yeah? You got a raw deal. If I were you, I wouldn’t take that stuff lying down…I’d be getting a move on every time they mentioned the word budget. And yet, year after year, you keep a straight face through it all like its some sort of ability.

Excuse Me Mr. President…

Hi Mr. President,

This is kinda late, but you know how it is, problems with mail delivery and what not. Its just nasty. You just can’t get good service anymore. Everyone’s worked up, got conspiracy theories and stuff. Man!

The good news is, I have nothing better to do, so it looks a lot like I’m here for you. While everyone else is thinking you’re not worth ****.

I don’t know why this is, but I think it may be because you’re telling investors we’ve got land and then suddenly coming back and telling tenants that they no longer have any. I suppose it’s a good thing you haven’t set your eyes on the prime estate that is the burial ground,eh?

So anyway, what’s been bugging me is this whole Muhwezi thing. I mean, seriously dude, you can’t take that **** can you? I know I wouldn’t. I’d be all, “Bitch! You don’t know me like that! When I say I didn’t know you didn’t take the money, you don’t go around saying that’s unfortunate. You look into the nation’s eyes (transmitted a’la WBS) and say you are a liar!”

Seriously Mr. President that’s an uncool thing for a pal to say or do. What happened to solidarity? Way back in school we had that. If a kid had stolen like money from a teacher or something and offered to buy us all like tea and biscuits we’d all shut up. And even if I… pardon me, if the said kid didn’t honor his end of the bargain, no one would tell. I know no one would say it is unfortunate.

Unfortunate is how you describe a car’s windscreen being smashed in after a driver splashes muddy water on you on your way to the cinema to meet up with this awesome chic. CURSE YOU! DRIVER OF UXY 200D! You messed up a good thing.

So anyway, what are you going to do about it? Me? I’d take that factory that dude calls a house and transform it into like Coffe Marketing Board,..and then, when everyone is still looking on with glee, transform the said Marketing Board into an Apparel thingy…