BIG BROTHER AFRICA; Part Deux

**UPDATE**

The recaps now have their own blog here

UPDATE

Justice was served!! And now the recap begins properly.

The Shortcomings Of Justice
The Eviction show was surprisingly worth watching. I liked that Jeff’s mum said her son was there to stay. Am I the only one that figured Justice’s stay in the house would be SHORT lived? He said he saw it coming. Apparently he wanted to be evicted. The 100 grand was not really on his mind in the SHORT term. Isn’t it a little disorienting though knowing that a cross section of a continent doesn’t like you, that you fall SHORT of their expectations?
Was Maureen was served the penal Code? (Will my editor run this?)
Code says the kiss they shared didn’t do it for him and so he wasn’t interested in engaging in sexual intercourse with the Ugandan housemate. Maureen on her part said she could tell that Code was after sex, but she told him to wait. Awesome, Maureen believes that True Love Waits, she should partner with Martin Sempa and put some sense in these kids
Maureen’s stay in the house hangs in the balance because Bertha decided to save Meryl and replace her with our own. Damn You BERTHA! You awesome woman you! What we have going against us is the fact that we voted against Kenya, so naturally, even on the off chance that Kenya didn’t have to support their own (because, face it, he isn’t really interesting), we are not really BFF’s anymore (BFF- Best Friend’s Forever).
Tanzania voted against Kenya last week in an indication that our solidarity is as real as the Easter Bunny. Its like we collectively looked at the nominees and said, “East African federation my butt!”.
Going by the strap band that displays viewers’ texts, Zimbabwe doesn’t fancy Uganda for the simple reason that Maureen doesn’t like Bertha. That’s just fickle. If you’re going to hate her for something, let it be the fact that she wears sweaters all the time.
Tatiana and Richard are incredibly close. The Housemates and viewers across Africa are sure that what these two are up to is a little more sinister than comparing notes on which hair products to use.

————–

The South African field presenter is a lady with no hair, the dude in Ghana is a Jack bauer wannabe, Ladies and Gentlemen; Big Brother Africa: Part 2.

Awesome, Big Brother has given us a montage of the last BBA. Which is good, considering I’d forgotten about Stefan and his blow-up dolls.

Kabelo is our host this evening and this dude is High On Life!! There’s a lady at some Helicopter pad throwing us more “r’s” than a phony pastor. Who is she? Why is she doing this?

Ad Break: yes DSTV we know you have 3 million channels and we shouldn’t settle for less.

Woooo, blinky lights on cars and the Big Brother Theme song, I want me some of that!

We have entered the house before any of the contestants. I bet you we will leave before them. I just have to say, for a show sponsored by MTN there’s a lot of Red and Yellow. Its like bloody Corporate Interior Décor espionage. Speaking of espionage, the shower is arranged in such a way the activity within will not be too covert. And why is there a flat screen in the house?

Our first housemate is from….GHANA!… Kwaku… I’d rather just call him Ghanaian With Accent, but he has at least twenty aliases so we’ll settle for Kwaku Tee. He is wearing a Red Leather Coat, an Orange Shirt and a Green Tie… or if you will, he comes in rainbow mode!

He utters those lines that usually see housemates leave early, ” I came here to have a good time”. Well everyone else is here to make money, see ya hommie.

Cut to a scene with people gyrating towards cars. This has got to be wrong in at least three African countries.

Next up is Code from Malawi. Or if you will, C-O-D-E. That’s a bit of a mouthful, so if you don’t mind, I’ll settle for just Code. That fine with you? Good! Why does this guy remind me of Sammy from the first BBA?

Ladies scream and he laughs. Certainly is happy, this dude. Kabelo is taken aback when Code asks q uestion I’m sure will appear on his eviction highlights, “Don’t you think its normal to bathe naked?”. He is ushered into the house where he messes things up by saying, and I quote him word for word, “Yeah!”

Malawi and Ghana meet for the first time and check themselves out. Its almost wrong on many levels.

And now it’s Tanzania who have seemingly sent Big Brother a Mwisho clone called Richard. He promises he will be funny and he will call a spade a spade. How is that funny? He has a wife back home…so did Mwisho ( a girlfriend if you will nit pick). Second set of dreadlocks in the house. Dreadful…funnier than he is, that line. And now a lip-locking scene with his wife. Kinda reminds me of a time not too long ago when Al Gore chewed face with Tipper Gore and lost the election. I’m just saying kissing doesn’t bring good luck! He gets into the house and his first words are, “Wow, shit!”

Someone offscreen, I suspect the walking flag, goes like, “What’s up dawg?!” Cool, I won’t have to keep going to MTV to find hip hop.

We’re back to the Vehicle assault squad and they are welcoming…Bayo! Nuh, I’m just kidding, its an Orange clad teddy bear called Jeff Anthony from Kenya. In his profile he makes it known that all his life has been “dying” to have pictures taken of the “revealing parts” of his body. Well then, I suppose it’s nice to know that some of these guys are not in it for the money. He gets in the house and I think his voice breaks.

Will Angola give us another girl to go all “ga-ga” over? Why yes, they have! Excellent! She’s called Tatiana and sounds like something out of a telenovella. I want some of her “friendly”!… provided she doesn’t sing! One tune and she’s out!

She winks at Kabelo. Which I think is a good sign given that she just announced that she’s a flirt. Apparently she performed with Julio Iglessias…does that mean she sings? No matter, she winks. A lot! She just dropped the “f” bomb in reference to shower hour. Something to the effect that we should f*** off and sleep while she showers. This does not bode well.

She enters the house where… I SCREAM!! She’s got jokes, apparently she is in the wrong house coz its only got men. No, you’re in Big Brother Sicko Edition..heh. I’m seriously considering the possibility that she has an eye problem and she’s not just winking.

Namibia has given us Meryl. Wow! This chic is bad-ass. She doesn’t take shit from no one. She keeps up with this attitude; she won’t get shit from the voters when she asks them to keep her in. Then again, there is a great reason below that non-existent smile of hers…two big reasons actually. She also says she will do anything to get the money, someone give this lady my number, I have a strategy!

She goes into the house where she says “repeat that again” and I gag. She refuses to smile and we cut to Botswana’s field rep who might seriously need subtitles.

From Nigeria we have Ofunneka who does not take NO for an answer. SWEET! This might make for some interesting viewing given that when asked about sex in the house she says something along the lines of, “Hot guys, hot chics, we’ll see” Send her in already so that we see!

She receives the Orange carpet welcome; the Kenyan Teddy Bear goes out to meet her.

And now we are down to our Ugandan contestant; Maureen. She lets us know by way of her profile that she cries easily and loves walking around naked. She also says “what you see is what you get”. I will not get into the innuendo that she’s inviting me to drop on her.

She goes into phony pastor mode sans the electric gadget, but replete with an accent that is quite suspect. Seems she picked it up whilst in transit.

She gets into the courtyard where she displays all manner of LOCAL! If this scene were what they will remember her for, we are so SCREWED.

She is met by Code.

Botswana‘s rep is called Justice and he is not too tall. Not really a big deal until Kabelo asks him whether he is bothered by his height. He says he will use his intellect and brain to win. Why? It’s a game! Have fun dude. He also says he is dynamite in a small package. Okay. And that’s all I can say.

He enters the house and observes that everyone is drinking…wow! observant fella aren’t ya?! Then he says he has to go pee. Justice will be served!

Advert break; DSTV has 20000 channels and a monthly magazine… a magazine? For free? Sign me up!!

The viewer is treated to the sight of…. a wall.

South Africa presents; Lerato. During her profile she lets on that she’s just about every “holic” you can think of…aside from an alco-holic…she also says nothing about sex. She says farewell to her nearest and dearest, getting weepy in the process, which moves me just a bit.

She is met in the compound by the small explosive and gets the Orange Carpet welcome….

Zambia‘s housemate is called Max! He says he doesn’t get upset easily, but that’s probably because he hasn’t met Tatiana and also doesn’t know that Ofunneka doesn’t take NO for an answer. From ANYBODY! There’s a moment where he does a walk that’s a testament to his swagger’s return. He is asked who his favourite actor is and the whole continent is left thinking, “Who?”. No worries.

Some lip-locking action and a look from his girl that suggests that she come to your living room and gouge your eyes out with a spoon if she catches you staring at her man during shower hour.

He gets into the house where he gets the Orange Treatment. I think this dude might be a nice guy and it’s sad that I called him an Orange Teddy bear earlier. I must find a new name for him.

Maureen is holding hands like this dude is her BFF. Clearly she doesn’t know about his lady in Blue outside.

There’s a clique that’s been formed inside the house. We can call this mini-sorority the try-hard clique or more simply, the Triad. It comprises Tatiana (who I am slowly getting over), Lerato and Meryl.

Zimbabwe in the area!!! Her name is Bertha…well, that’s her public name. She puts letters in the right place in words, (good, she can spell). She knows her stuff, she talks tough and is HARDCORE! I think I will call her Jackie Bauer for as long as she doesn’t know. I like her though. So does some dude in the crowd who solicits a hug from her. I half expect her to draw back with his heart in her hand.

Kenya’s Jeff and Zambia’s Max welcome her. There’s an odd moment where it looks like Max thinks he is Maxwell the musician and he is trying to be smooth.

The triad gives her a look that suggests there will be a catfight soon.

Kenya proposes they all reintroduce themselves.

Uganda is all buddy buddy with Angola.

I’m exhausted.

Champagne is consumed.

This piece ends.

4 Responses to “BIG BROTHER AFRICA; Part Deux”

  1. Tandra Says:

    ….someone sounds excited…..

  2. Tandra Says:

    okay….ai…were is like…the rest?? i was like sooo totally phyched man and u r soo toootally not doing ya job!

  3. Cado Says:

    I need Riche to be out of the house.

  4. Sybella Says:

    i guess the updates are in the sunday paper instead of here?

    what is it about tatiana that kills you? calling her a squirrel all the time, ouch!


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