The Combined Harvest

It’s been a while.

I’d love to say I’ve been very busy. That life has been hectic and as such I have failed to do what I love doing, but that would be a lie. I’ve been lazy mostly. I’ve also done my fair share of procrastinating. However, life being what it is, you can only drag your feet for so long. Sooner or later you’re gonna have to look in the mirror and if you’re lucky you’ll not be too crazy about the guy staring back at you.

You will realize, as I have that some sort of change is needed. It will be pretty messed up though, because as many before me will attest, change doesn’t come with a snap of a finger, a click of a heel or a twitch of the nose. It would be pretty neat if that’s how stuff worked, but life has other plans for us…and it can be a bitch.

I looked at myself and looked within. Wasn’t too crazy about what was happening, but I made my peace with the fact that what’s done is done. I can’t do much to change it, but I can do something now so that when I do the whole soul searching thing a few years/months/weeks/days from now, I’ll acknowledge that this is where it started, this is the beginning. Change is coming.

And now, if it’s all the same to you, I will close that window. You can only peer into the soul of a person for so long before you fall into the void.

Read the rest of this entry »

Advertisements

What’s in a name anyway?

My English Language teachers would be really upset if I went with the intro I’d planned for this. You know how it is, “a sentence does not begin with words like ‘so’”.

I don’t know. English has greatly evolved since those days in class with a certain teacher that, well, boring is just rude, said teacher could put a cup of coffee to sleep. This in a school heralded as one of the best. How I ended up there is beyond me. It’s not like I go around carrying loads of smarts. I carry just enough to get me by. {Shoot! This mango juice has given me a nasty heartburn. I can’t just sue these guys can I?} Read the rest of this entry »

a night’s tale

10pm

Savannah… that place on your way to Muyenga… or from it. . .

Heineken brought to the table. Can is opened. . . a sip taken.

Water is ordered. Medicine swallowed. . . back to Heineken. . .

Change of venue suggested. Pangs of hunger manifest.

Pizza recommended…

 

11pm

She who shall not be mentioned is at pizza place. Still elicits a stare. Read the rest of this entry »

A New Year, A week later

You’ve probably had the “happy new year” greeting more times than you care to remember so I’ll spare you.

As it stands there’s very little to be happy about. Our cousins across the border are going through the after effects of an election gone wrong. Its what we keep hoping won’t happen to us. We’ve been fortunate to survive that sort of thing. Whether this means we give up too soon, we are too sane or we just don’t have the balls to stand our ground is an entirely different issue. Heck, it shouldn’t matter.

There’s talk of how this makes Uganda look good. How exactly someone came up with this is beyond me. Maybe it does, but is it worth it? People are dying and somehow we should appreciate this? Its messed up, that’s what it is.

There’s a fuel crisis because of the situation next door. The annoying thing is the fact that even if I haven’t got a car, I am still affected. Its a classic case of damned if you do, damned if you don’t. For the first time in my life I heard the words “Only rich people can afford us” coming from a Boda Boda. A humbling experience? Nuh. I was pissed off.

Apparently we as a nation have issued a statement congratulating the “president” of Kenya. What does this say? As it stands (to the best of my knowledge) we are the only people that are okay with this. We as a nation backed this? Fine.  Realistically there’s not much we can do about this. We have to go with the flow and hope that our cousin’s across the border are aware that it was not a view that we all held.

I gather we have deployed across the border to prevent the violence from sipping over. Is there a chance that we may be paying attention to the wrong border?

Let’s pray that this thing is sorted out soon.

 In other news, my take on the Showbiz in 2007 can be found here

And finally, because friends know you better than you know yourself (yeah, sure), my pals figured they’d make my resolutions for me… One kind of implied that the CRAVE cologne I was wearing on that day was not as cool as I thought it was (go on, HATE), so, to end this, here are my pals’ NYRs for me…

resolve-01.jpg

resolve2.jpg

So there you have ’em. Their Handwritings in plain view. Practice them and when they finally make it in life, rob ’em.

Laters

’twas the last day of the year…

This is my year end post, it goes a little something like this…

I have learnt this year that live and let live is the way to go. I believe that half the fun in making New Year’s Resolutions (here on referred to simply as NYRs) lies in the knowledge that you probably won’t live up to them… Make ‘em anyway.

I have learnt that Boda Bodas are the way to go. Sure I’ve fallen off ‘em a couple of times and bled a little. I’ve looked on in wonderment as the chemical component goes all fizzy on the wound as it goes about its business of killing the germs… I’ma ride ‘em anyway.

I’ve been asked to be serious about my approach to writing. I’ve been asked to write as a professional might. Three out four of the professionals I know write shit that could put a cup of coffee to sleep. The remaining one out of four influences my style and that’s who I’ma take seriously… I might diss em a couple of times, but its just jokes, I’ma read ‘em anyway.

I have taken to naming my property, not just CHOGM but gadgets and shit. I get frustrated when they fail to respond and haven’t the decency to refer to me by my name or title (that’s Ghost Of Sparta, to you Sir), but I’m gonna name ‘em anyway.

I have learnt that whenever I hype a movie up way too much it fails to live up to people’s expectations. I may be overdoing it… I’m gonna overhype ‘em anyway…. The Dark Knight is going to kick so much Hollywood Arse, the box office is gonna walk funny.

I have been educated on shit that I chose to ignore in class; I have been privy to discussions that I shouldn’t be privy to. To the wonderful ladies that for some reason or another felt it was truly necessary for me to know How Stuff Works complete with graphs and charts and stuff, Thanks, but seriously, Too Much Info! I am a simple man.

That goes double for you that figured I should know where to buy ladies’ lingerie. I am not a cold heartless bastard but I doubt I will need to walk into a lingerie shop anytime soon. The theme of these little soirées is “bring your own lingerie”. None will be provided at the entrance. In all fairness, this is brought on by the “bring your own ‘rubber’ theme that y’all see fit to impose…

This year I experienced my first moment of Speechlessness. I didn’t think this was something I could go through, but it happened anyway… You read this stuff in books and see it in teen flicks, when it happens to you, you call up your pal and he tells you why it happened and you want to bash the phone on the side of his head, but seeing as you’re not using the earlier model of cellphones (the ones that were the same size as a laptop…or fridge) he’ll probably survive with barely a scratch… to the one that made me lose words for all of five minutes I say….

New friends made, none lost, to those that put up with me, cheers. It gets a little monotonous when I have to handle being me. It’s dreary and that I can rely on you guys to keep me going, cheers. I promise to cut down on the expectations y’all have of me so that whatever I do is ordinary, after all, you and I are just ordinary people… who am I kidding, I kid coz I love!

To all the wonderful people that populate the blogosphere…and Baz (ha!!!) Thanks for pouring words forth and making me laugh, think and hate you for being better than me. The constant reminder that there are people that are better at this game than I keeps me going, and for making me believe, thanks.

For the guys that made my costume party happen, thanks. I believe in Bottle Parties because of you. I really do… even though some saw fit to bring stuff that tasted rose-petal flavoured booze… you guys rock… which brings me to…

The peeps I have gone for Rock Night with. Ain’t no stopping us now. Here’s to hopes that we shall keep doing that thing we do and we shall keep hating on the suits that come over and slow dance to Linkin Park jams like they are Whitney Houston ballads. Damn Right! I don’t even slow dance to Snow Patrol when they are suggesting that we be there as if chasing cars, why on earth would I, in the glare of Starlight, be caught dancing slow without my Muse….

To people I’ve gotten high with and traded stories of highness with the following afternoon, we’re getting too old for this shit. Let’s cut down on the alcohol. There’s so much to live for… hehe, this paragraph is my April fool’s joke for the next year.

To anyone that schooled me on stuff academia, thanks. I am a better person for it… I may drop words without giving any thought as to whether they make sense, but hey, you can school me on that. To people that encouraged me to go back to school and get it out of the way, I say thank you and I ask, “Now what?”

To Uganda for pulling off the illusion of the century and giving it a name (CHOGM) (not MY CHOGM, the country’s)… I sit back here and applaud you and await with bated breath to see what your next trick will be… I know democracy will be a tall order, but shit, I can now see who’s propositioning me at 3am when I leave the club…

to the ladies of the night that beckon, watch some East Africa TV, style up and quit calling me Arsene Wenger and asking me to aim for your “Goal”, then we shall see…. shit, we won’t, just style up, the country needs you to pay higher taxes, we’re counting on you.

…then again, if you’re reading this blog, you ARE styled up just enough.

My NYRs for the year to come….
Achieve a certain level of happiness and comfort, no one likes a constant grumbler.

Speak Less, Listen more. No one understands what I’m saying half the time anyway. I blame it on the booze.

Keep a job for a year or something… It looks prettier on the CV.
Have an open mind. . . just.

Cut down on cussing. There’s got to be some distinction between me and the dude that sells the newspaper at the corner…

Watch. Like nobody’s dancing.

Cough. Like no one’s listening.

Smile. Like there’s nothing on your teeth

… Live. Like there’s no tomorrow!

To you and yours, Happy New Year!

lemme just say. . .

New Year Thingy

more random than a ugandan cop’s uniform

My boss sent an email around telling us how we can detect and avoid Ebola. Its kinda touching to know he cares. Its also nice to know that he knows that Ebola is in town… so is Kevin Lyttle, but more on that later. What makes it so reassuring is the fact that I can skip work and tell him, solemnly that I had heard someone in the vicinity had caught the damn thing and was giving out goodbye hugs.

I don’t mean to undermine the Ebola thing, I appreciate the efforts of all those wonderful men and women that are trying to do something about it. So much so, I thought twice about my scheme to skip work by coughing out ketchup (or tomato sauce for those of you in families Amarula) and saying something like, “Oh my. Won’t you look at that…”
To a certain degree, the fact that most of the ketchup that’s readily available in these here parts is diluted with water kinda contributed to the death of that plan.

In other news, Stuart Kevin Lyttle is in town. For those of you who may be wondering who this is, I will start off by telling you who he isn’t then move on to who he is… and if I really feel like it, who he was.

He is not that cute little rat (What gives? A cute rat? Its like saying grasshoppers are pretty… but when you think about it…) that fell in love with the yellow bird and had their romantic venture acquire a Celine Dion soundtrack. Am I the only one that sees the bit at the end of the “I’m Alive” video with the rodent saying, “IN YOUR FACES BITCHES” and then lighting a cigarette? No? Anyway, the vermin is not Kevin Lyttle, that’s Stuart Little.

Though a local artiste in his own right, he is not that guy that calls himself England’s Rose and says shit like, “ They call me England’s Rose, Coz I spit a tough game and wax some Prose, innit?!” That’s the legendary man of mystery, Ernest “Black Man Rising” Bazanye.

Kevin Lyttle is Jamaica’s answer to Akon. We figure news of Akon leaked, because we have gathered intelligence that suggests Kevin was around way before AKON… or before you and I… or around the time the Big Bang was graduating from being a Tiny Pop. He is what you would get if someone took in helium and attempted patois… twice.

Apparently he mentioned in some interview that he doesn’t know his dad and that he has a step brother “somewhere out there” (over the rainbow?). It goes without saying, Bobi Wine and Chameleone will be fighting to prove that each is said brother. Given his resemblance, I’d say England’s Rose is a strong contender.

My mum was upset when she read that Kevin said he was still single and searching and that he had seen loads of beautiful girls in Kampala. Yeah, I felt the same way when Juliana Kanyomozi said she was single and bothered not searching and then turning up in the press the following week in the arms of some dream…What The ****, I thought to myself? Is this what she meant when she told me she was living The Dream?

My mum’s ire stems from the fact that Kevin seems so cock-sure of himself and she believes women, or girls or hags, have a say. That just because the dude sounds like a rodent on helium and he has tonnes of cash, a woman has a choice. From this observation, I am so glad I didn’t develop my social life during the 70’s.

Also in the news, Kabila told Kony he has one month to leave.
I’m intrigued. Is that all its supposed to take? I mean, we have spent like a bajillion shillings on this war, and all we needed to do is pick up the phone and go like, “Hey, uh, Joseph, you and your kind are not welcome here, so, uh, you know, BOUNCE”.

The real question is, what took Kabila so long? Credit issues? I know I am still hounding MTN for my credit that was taken away from me. And they don’t tire of saying I should be patient… more on that later.

Did it become an issue when Kony allegedly killed and ate Otti’s penis…not necessarily in that order? And I mean that as:

STEP ONE: Kill Otti

STEP TWO: Eat Penis

NOT

STEP ONE: Kill Penis

STEP TWO: Eat It

If you want to use the above steps as source material for your porn flick, feel free

One can’t help but wonder what the point of no return is in these arrangements. So anyway, Kony is meant to be out of there like by the end of the year…

I’m planning to watch Beowulf today. I think I will use the loner approach. I figure this way I can avoid those people who figure the head rest in front of them is actually a foot rest. I won’t fault them. We all have our vices, my phone is always on, I just have the decency to put the thing in silent mode instead of placing the volume at the max knowing full well that my ringtone is so bad, it widens the hole in the Ozone.