Dear Person at the Power Company,
I’ve wanted to write you for a while now, but I couldn’t. Its not that words fail me or nothing, words are my friends. It’s not even that, whilst trying to contemplate just how you manage to wake up and **** up the day for the rest of us, my brain shuts down thinking I’m overworking it. Yes Dude at Power Company, your malice is beyond compare, you are our token grinch.
The States have Bush, The Middle East has Osama and we have you. It’s not really a fair deal, but I suppose we don’t always get what we ask for, do we?
I wanted to put up a lolcat type thing with you up a pole with the words, “You had electricity, but I has taken it”, but I can’t find any images on the World Wide Web. I suppose you are adept at covering your tracks.
The other day you asked some guys at Steadman (some company of as much significance as the state of Britney Spears at the VMA’s) to call me and ask me what I thought of your service delivery or lack of it thereof. I have made it no secret dude, I hate your guts. I can’t believe that we have to deal with corrupt officials, diseases, floods, maggots in our fruit and now, you! Its overkill!
This dude asks me to rate your services on a scale of one to ten? Come on man, now you’re just being greedy. TEN?! So anyway, I forgot to tell him that your constant directing of symphonies using the lights in our area is solely responsible for killing my PC. Curiously after I scored you at about 12 out of 100, the person was still cheerful enough to ask what I loved about you.
Uh, your nerve? The fact that you remain steadfast in your resolve to piss me off, year after year and then after you think you have not quite sent the point home, you call me up to ask how I’m doing.
And then… after you were done with that, you had someone else call me, a lady this time. I am not that easily swayed. I did not melt. What did you think? That my answers this time round would be fuelled by testosterone? Nice try…
What I don’t get is how you manage to recruit minions. How the **** indeed! What alarms me is that they seemingly walk to their deaths with glee. Is it possible that we have a pool of suicidal people that want money no matter what? How the heck do you do it? Do you promise them 70 virgins the way terrorist masterminds do?
Do they believe you? I mean come one dude, in this current situation where everyone is advising young people to say NO to old people that are soliciting sex, how the heck do you expect to lure the virgins to you? Promise of a toaster? Tweezers? What do you have up your sinister sleeve?
I called your customer service line the other day and the organism that answered droned on and on about how they were fixing “The Fault” and that’s why I did not have electricity for oh-twenty something hours. THE FAULT? Did you actually tell us about said fault at any one point? Why is this guy under the impression that I know these things?
I know it’s not on your increasingly helpful website. The only thing of relative significance there is the load-shedding schedule for the month. Don’t you feel shy putting it up? I mean, really. How am I going to see it if I have no electricity?
“Hey look, it says here that we are going to be plunged into hours of darkness starting…oh shit! NOW!”
Does it not scare you that one of these days you will slip and we will know who you are? And when we do, does it not frighten you that we shall treat you to our own brand of BLACKOUT?!