APPEAL: Please Return The Red Pepper’s Calendars!

The word for today is NIBIRU…not to be confused with Mubiru, which may or may not have been my lecturer’s name back at the university. Come to think of it. It wasn’t my lecturer’s name. He was called Kapere. Pretty funny guy, he just didn’t know it. . .or if he did he didn’t care. SUCKER! Read the rest of this entry »

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Don’t wanna be startin’ sumthin, but…

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heard the one about the Happy Ugandans?

The better paper reported in its Sunday edition that Ugandans are happy. I don’t even want to imagine what inspired the story… you know what, fukkit, lemme…

  • Anon. : Why are you smiling?
  • Anon 2: I’m smiling coz I’m glad…

Anon.: Glad…as in happy? Who the hell do you think you are, going around being happy while…wait a sec…OH My WORD…WOW! That would make an interesting story, and so we can hit the word limit, go find more happy people

Listen, I’m not being bitchy or nothing, but how can you go around saying we are happy? Just the other day the same paper reported that our suicide cases had gone up. And I know they weren’t kidding, the piece was not written by Sean “Brown Teletubby” Kingston. So how exactly does this work?

… to be continued.

Drink our tap water, its tha shit!

 

Delivered As Promised

Some time during the course of the week, (Monday, I believe it was). It was reported that Kampala tap water has got faeces (there’s a word I didn’t think would ever appear on my blog).

This is a little worrying for people that are keen on tap water. It also means that the dude that took one sip, spat it out and said, “This tastes like shit!” may have been spot on.

Also, the gentleman that looked at a picture of a bottle of water, and discerned from its green hue that it may be some sports’ drink, yes, it is. Our water is guaranteed to have you running.

The mayor’s office has been quiet about the whole episode, but we are certain something will come out of there.

 

*update*

Something has come outta there, and I have put up the image accompanying this line of text.

 “We are ready for CHOGM!”

We were also duly informed that taking this water will make pretty women dressed in white spread their hands out as a bird does wings whilst at the beach.

The CHOGM one

I’d started typing this thing out with the intention of posting something sensational. Arousing ire or whatever emotions were aroused, when this went up. What you have instead is a first paragraph choke-full of innuendo and a very stupid next lot of paragraphs that introduces the meat of the matter.

I figured I’d go into some discussion I was having with a friend of mine not too long ago. It was a chat session and as you know, people seem to grab life by the …well people seemingly get all gutsy in chat rooms. And they ask questions too. As I type this out I have a window open whose primary fodder is pregnancy and what its like. I’m trying to get enlightened you see. So anyway, midway through my chat of not far back enough, she asks me, “so, what do you call your cock?”

It may have been a little more graphic, I really can’t recall. This hangover is not helping.

So anyway, there’s a lull in our chat for a bit and I figure I can smartly deflect this thing by, you know, like turning the line of questioning around. Unfortunately she had a name for “them”. So it appears I kind of got a raw deal there.

I figured I’d be original and all; I certainly couldn’t go with the traditional corny things you find on Porn Sites or in my junk mail folder. Stuff like, “wonderful” (ego involved there) Mister Happy (sounds like something a paedophile would call it) Godfather (Won’t get into that…)

I settled for, “CHOGM”. As in, “Uganda are you ready for CHOGM?” That CHOGM.

So now the brief CHOGM POST begins…

The opposition leader is well-pissed that people would insinuate that his party does not support CHOGM (the event). He is riled by the whole thing and I don’t blame him, I wouldn’t be amused if the press went around misquoting my sentiments. Without going all word for word like, I believe what he said was something to the effect that he has no problem with CHOGM but he doesn’t really see why it’s a big deal.

Apparently it doesn’t do shit for the host country. Apart from you know, boosting the tourism sector and giving prostitutes a new lot of clientele…and messing up the dollar’s strength. (Which, as an aside, I’d like to say some dude is going around taking credit for… by sending our people to Iraq)

I sorta agree with the dude on this, I mean. I don’t have a problem with being turned down or stood up, but I can’t really see what it does for a person’s self esteem.

Elsewhere, there’s billboards being erected (yes, I know) with our as-if celebrities going on about how they are ready for CHOGM…or the world at large. BULL! There’s one with Rio Ferdinand saying he too is ready for the world. He should be. Dude earns a gajillion trillion kabuutillion bucks! Of course he is READY. Question is, ARE WE? I mean. One of these billboards is next so some rubbish heap. How the heck is this being prepared? Hi world, please come over we’ve got beautiful women, madmen on motorcycles and a load of rubbish. We are certainly set to host you! Bring your own litter.

There’s a billboard that KCC (Kampala City Council) set up with the proclamation that they are getting ready for CHOGM. Unlike the jokers that put there’s up next to rubbish heaps and brothels, the KCC thing which thankfully doesn’t have the Mayor’s Face on it, is next to some road that’s being dug up and put back together again in some juvenile way. But seeing as they are just getting ready, we can’t fault them coz we know they will get tired of dishing this dirt in our faces eventually.

I predict that prices will soar. It’s a no brainer that prostitutes will charge a little higher and probably incorporate words such as “dolla” and “poundi” into their vocabulary. Come to think of it, because of the scale of this thing, we are going to see all sorts of currency flooding the market. Plus new expressions will come into their possession. On top of trying to lure men to them (and, oh I don’t know, the odd woman once in a while) with calls of “Arsene Wenger, jangu (come) and score” I see a situation coming into play where a lady of the night will say, ” ‘ello guv’nor, fancy a shag?! Go on then, don’t be a tosser! Nawe fala!” or worse yet, ” My milk shake brings all the boys to my yard and…”

Our speech pattern will change…and Lord knows we will be terribly helpful to any stranger around that time. It will be a good day for tourists. “Hurrllo, Carn I Herlp you? Whart? Certainly” and inevitably, that all too common question, ” How do you like our country?” That’s a retarded question in all honesty, it doesn’t make sense on any level. How the heck do you answer that? ” ah, I like your country between bread” ? Curiously, people do venture to answer this thing and its always, ” I LURV IT”

I suppose bumpy roads and dust go a long way in warping judgement….no…its this heat.

This week in The News…

Published in That magazine that comes free with the Sunday paper, The caption read, ” This girl worked as a prostitute…she recently gave birth to this baby, but she doesn’t know who the father is. She and the baby are both very ill.”

Baz said it was schadenfreude-like for me to laugh, and I agree. I feel for the lady…

That said;

  • I’m guessing the father of the baby is one hairy white dude…
  • This is what happens when you oversleep with a teddybear
  • The baby doesn’t look THAT sick to me…
  • I’m almost certain that that is NOT that woman’s child!