Are you kiddin’ me?

I’m not a kid person. I don’t mean I loathe them or anything, but I know I won’t be gushing over them the way lesser mortals do. I’m not going to go all “goo-goo ga-ga” and make faces at them. I’m not Jim Carrey. I will also-and this is a fact- not think its cute that a kid has gone and spewed his/her/its lunch on my shoulder.

I suppose the sentiment or emotion that kids evoke in me is more FEAR than anything else. Babies scare me. I don’t know where it came from but the thought always lingers that if I’m asked to carry the child, I may accidentally drop him…or her…or it. Then what will I say? “Oops”?

As luck would have it, I have relatives with child bearing abilities. I know this for a fact because I have nephews and nieces. They are wonderful and everything and I don’t mind looking at them I just don’t want to carry them or anything. For some reason, their parents seem to think that I’m in denial. I am not! I will attend their visiting days soon as they are shipped off to some school whose position, judging by the distance we will cover to get there, will be at the edge of the world’s end. Going by what some of the students look like, the belief will be reinforced.

Last week my cousin came over with her two kids in tow. The younger, a girl knows her stuff. She’ll just chill out and keep quiet…until a negotiation goes wrong. I can’t understand why this happens given that her idea of a trade usually involves offering her brother her itty-bitty pink shoe in exchange for his glass of juice.

So anyway, whilst these kids were around so was another aunt who, quite unlike me is not averse to begging toddlers for hugs proceeded to ask my nephew for a hug or some such thing. Come on, if I did it I’d be screwed, given that I have no recording contract or own a ranch or a pet monkey called Bubbles.

My nephew on his part regarded her with the kind of look that said, “what have you done for me lately?”. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my job as much as any other bloke that gets to wear sandals and a cap to work with no qualms, but my cousin ( the hug requesting one) has a job I’d raze a forest for. The perks and salary and what not are THAT GOOD. If I were my nephew I’d hug my aunt and not my uncle. I’d hug my aunt and spew my lunch on my uncle and giggle with delight as all my other relatives looked at the goop like it was molten gold laced with rubies and pearls… its almost a wonder no pictures are taken or scoops kept for posterity.

Long story short, my nephew at this early age is already misguided. I know this because he hugged me instead.


15 Responses to “Are you kiddin’ me?”

  1. Dennis Matanda Says:

    Of course I am splitting my insides with laughter … A very unexpected ending.

  2. Cheri Says:

    Hehe…..stemming from the Vivica A Fox thing-y; your nephew could have a point.

  3. The 27th Comrade Says:

    First of all, yay: we’re a tribe. I love, love, love babies, but I hate, hate, hate to touch them. I always stand at a respectable distance and say `cute’. Maybe I’m just a hard, tough guy.

    Next: Yay, to the job. The kind of job where the environment is set by you. After all, the environment is for you – you’re the one working.

    Raze a forest? Don’t you see I’m talking of the Environment, here? Gwe, you want to start a riot?
    Me, I’m not in!

  4. The Phantom Says:

    Where i come from, these are the words that come from on high when a person says things like this about cute babies, “Okul’obone.” or something like that.I think it means just wait and see how the tables turn on you.

  5. ish Says:

    some species devour their young. others sit on them, crushing them to death. so Ivan, you’re really not alone.

  6. Baz Says:

    Awww. Ichn’t it chweeeet? Widdle baby hug-hug uncle Iwan! OOOOohhh!

    Gwe teach your nephew to bonga. What.

  7. ed-slah Says:

    naaaah, no babies.NO!

  8. Mataachi Says:

    I crossed over, I’m sorry, it was a hard, long fight: I love babies now! When i don’t have to dress them, change them when they do the other thing and when they’re not cranky. I think babues are hot! and yes, finally, i can comment!

  9. Mataachi Says:

    but i can’t seem to spell right!

  10. tumwijuke Says:

    For a while there I was afraid you were permanently off the blogsphere. Welcome back baby lover.

  11. heaven! Says:

    last sunday i was at church carrying my bro’s 4month old daughter.she likes the church music so i was swaying with her.very happily. until my bro-in-law(brother to my sis in law)tapped me and pointed to my shoulder…
    there on my pink sunday best top was her mid-mornig meal!!! then she looked up at me with some remainders on her lips and gave me a gummy smile…my sis was dying of laughter cos somehow i always get the piss and cuddled milk!!…but she’s adorable.
    hey,its not that just wipe it off and get on with life…smelling like a baby though.

  12. Iwaya Says:

    What the hell happened to my witty comment??????

  13. Joshi Says:

    gwe..u u cud have given us a laminated business card??(u know im messing wit u right?)

  14. ly Says:

    i actually didnt expect more from the chicks. chicks are predictable like that. ME, ME, ME, I am the uber, super, duper chick and i hate babies!

  15. duksey Says:

    Crucify me for being chic predictable if you like people, but I am gona stick to my guns; babies are great. I love them like crazy especially the little girls dressed up like dolls in pink with their heads looking like Mickey mouse. Boys???? from that nephew…I think not as much.

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